How to Lose (and Gain) Influence as a Parent

Every parent wants influence, and while a parent is the greatest influence in a child’s life, that influence can wax and wane with the seasons. In fact, a lot of parents I know feel like they’re losing influence.

Influence is something to pay attention to no matter what stage of parenting you’re at, because ultimately every parent is on a journey from control to influence. We start out with almost complete control of a child’s life, but by the time our sons and daughters are 18 and ready to face life on their own, all we have left is influence.

This raises an important question: How exactly does influence work? It works like this:

We listen most to the people we love the most.

Our kids inevitably do what you and I do: they listen most to the people they love the most. This means that as a parent, you need to establish an authentic, healthy relationship with your son or daughter if you hope be an influence in their lives.

Influence is easy to lose but takes time to build up. Here are five easy ways to lose influence as a parent:

1. Threaten consequences, but never carry them out. Then your kids will know to never take you seriously.

2. Shame, guilt, and frustrate your children. Eventually they’ll want to get as far away from you as they can.

3. Try to be their best friend. Your kids need a parent more than they need another buddy. (As my friend Jeff Brodie says, he’s never met a 15 year old looking for a 45 year old best friend.)

4. Treat your spouse poorly. Your kids will lose respect for you rapidly.

5. Be inconsistent. If your kids never know where you stand, they’ll lose trust in you.

Influence can be lost quickly. But how do you gain it? How do you cultivate influence? How do you create a healthy relationship that lasts?

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, here are five ways to increase the influence you have with kids:

1. Do what you said you were going to do when you said you were going to do it. It cultivates trust, confidence and even respect.

2. Enforce limits. Don’t think you’re helping your kids by letting them off the hook with commitments, boundaries and responsibilities. One day, they’ll thank you for it.

3. Treat one another with kindness. Treat the people closest to you with more kindness than anyone else (it’s natural, by the way, to do the opposite).

4. Don’t overindulge your kids. Let rewards be rewards. As a rule, you shouldn’t give your kids rewards for nothing, or for simply doing what’s expected of them.

5. Work on your own character. When your kids see you developing your faith and character, you will have a greater impact on their lives.

If you think about it, the people who are gaining influence with you are probably exhibiting some of the characteristics just listed. You love and respect them because they are responsible, kind, considerate people who stand for something and have a deep integrity. The people who are losing influence in your life are people who are inconsistent and emotionally unhealthy.

While it takes discipline to develop your character and stick to sensible limits as a parent, over time, it will help you gain and keep influence with your kids. And eventually, influence is all we have left with our kids in any event.

What other things have you seen that help parents lose or gain influence?
by Carey Nieuwhof

Psalm 88 - Despair without a Savior

Psalm 62 - Our God = Strong and Loving

Psalm 60 - God has and will fight Valiantly!

Psalm 57 - Mercy and a Steadfast Heart!

Psalm 55 - God produces trust, Man produces fear

Psalm 55 - Cast your cares on the LORD!

Psalm 46 - Trust Conquers Fear

Resolutions

Did you make any new year resolutions?  How is that going?

I typically don't make new year resolutions because I am usually resolving every day to try to be better... resolving to be a more loving wife, resolving to be a more patient mother, resolving to be more organized, resolving to be a more caring friend, etc., etc.... Just making that short list makes me feel totally inadequate, and since I struggle with that, I figure I won't add any extra pressure on myself ;)

As 2014 was unfolding, I found myself thinking this was not going to be a very good year.  Three out of five of my immediate family were stricken with the flu on New Year's Eve, including myself.  My dad was hospitalized with pneumonia, my mom had to travel quite a distance as they do not live close to town, and where they live was in the grips of the now infamous polar vortex.  On top of that, their furnace started acting up.  All of this was completely out of my control and I realized that the one thing I could do was the MOST important thing I could do, pray!  Praying gave me a sanctuary of peace, that peace that passes all understanding.  We live in a sinful world and ALL of creation is affected by sin.  I was reminded that we are to keep our minds on good things.  Colossians 3:1-2 says ....set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set our minds on things above, not on earthly things. 

This will be my daily, life-long resolution:  To work on trusting God no matter how I feel, no matter what I see, no matter what!  I will pray daily that if doubt and fear creep in, God will remind me He is in control.  This is a resolution that won't leave me feeling inadequate.  This resolution will keep me firmly in relationship with our Heavenly Father, and I can't think of any better place I'd rather be.

Psalm 31 - Our Lives are in the hands of the LORD!

Psalm 27 - Light and Salvation

Pastor Saeed Abedini Testimony about "Whom Shall I fear, the Lord is my Light and Salvation."

Psalm 25 - A Covenant of Trust

Psalm 20 - The Kings in which we Trust

As Scripture Psalm 20 teaches us the church to pray for those who hold the power of office, because they, like us, are dependent on the LORD.  It warns against ever letting our dependence on their service turn into the trust we owe to God alone.  Mays, Commentary on the Psalms

Psalm 17 - Trust and Faithfulness = a full resurrected life

Psalm 16 - Trust in the LORD

Trust

What is Trust?? Trust is the feeling a child has when you throw them in the air and catch them.  They have no doubts that you will catch them. From a very young age I was taught to trust.  We trust our parents, teachers, authoritative figures, and even friends.  It is a blind trust.  They have never wronged us.  They have taken care of us, nurtured us, and comforted us. We don't know any different.  As we grow up, we discover that trusts can be broken and we find it more difficult to trust.  But why is it so difficult for us to put our trust in the Lord?
Proverbs 3:5-6 states:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

So if the Bible tells us to trust Him and He has never broken any of His promises to us, then why can't we trust in Him?  He has taken care of us, nurtured us, comforted us, and sent His son Jesus Christ to die for us yet we still have trust issues.

Our School's 7th Grade took their class trip this week.  It is the first time my daughter has been more than a few hours away from me and the longest time we have been separated. On top of all of that she has asthma, so I worry about her taking care of herself.

As I drive home from sending her on her journey, I am overwhelmed with emotions when suddenly God reminds me what I was taught so many years ago in Psalm 25 In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.  I begin to pray, not only for my daughter, but for all the students on this journey and for their parents who must be experiencing the same feelings as I am.  

Before I arrive home I am at peace knowing that I can trust in the Lord to care for the gifts He has given me.  This is all a little too ironic that God has chosen to reteach me to trust when this is what the students will be learning as they team build up at Luther Rock this week.