What Every Kid Wants

It’s really simple. Every kid wants to have fun. I was reminded of that fact last week when kids showed up for Thanksgiving at my house. We had worked on decorating, arranging enough food to feed twenty plus adults, and creating the right playlist of classic holiday tunes. Then at the last minute, we ran by and picked up a few age appropriate toys for the only two children that would be present. One was two and one was seven. I set up two individual small tables with a couple of items that I figured would probably be ignored.

I just have this basic philosophy that whenever a kid walks into any home, he or she is asking the question, “What is there fun to do here?” It will probably be followed at some point by another question, “What is here that I like to eat?” By the way, just in case you don’t know, most kids don’t like turkey. The point is if you are the adult responsible for hosting an event in your home, you are a child’s only hope not be trapped in a boring space—one of any child’s greatest fears. Maybe that’s because several hours of football and meaningful conversations seems like an eternity for a seven-year-old.

So it was exciting to see the eyes of a two-year-old light up when he spotted the table full of cars across the room. It confirmed what I suspect is true about every child. They are hard-wired to play. And the one thing they will probably remember about your house, about your holidays, about their time with you will have to do with fun. Am I over-simplifying? Not at all. Kids are not that complicated. They want to have fun. And it’s the gauge they will ues to measure. . .

Church
School
Uncles
And your house.

It’s really all about the fun. I’ll even make another suggestion. You should put this somewhere so you can remember it.

If it’s not fun, kids will not want to be there very long.

This principle actually applies to ever life stage of your kids. It’s the joy factor that makes you home attractive or not attractive. As your kids grow up, you should work harder and harder to keep plenty of laughter and fun in your home environment. That’s why fun should be just as much a priority for adults as it is for kids.

Creating a powerful play history with kids could be the most important thing you do to nurture your relationship with them.

They will remember the fun. Ask one seven-year-old what he remembers about thanksgiving at our house this year. I think he will probably say something about the legos not the turkey.

What are some of your best ideas to keep things fun for kids who show up at your house during the holidays?

Sharing History

My kids have taken an interest lately in watching our wedding video. It has been a fun thing to indulge in with them. They get to see the faces of friends and family they know so well, and grapple with comprehending how they weren’t even alive yet. It’s also been bittersweet. We have been married long enough to see that the faces of those at the wedding are different from the faces we know now. People have aged. Some have passed away. Relationships are different.

Engaging in this activity with my kids compels me to be a storyteller with them. I can invite them into my rusty recollections. I can show them mental snapshots of an unfamiliar world and connect the dots in their little lives before they even know there are dots to connect.

Telling stories gets me—and my kids—outside of the now in a way nothing else can. We slow down. We pause. We abandon dishes, laundry, noise and motion, and we simply listen.

It does for them what stories did for me growing up.

My dad has always been a great storyteller, telling his best stories around the dinner table. He could get and keep our attention as kids—and now adults—like no one else, captivating us with mischievous, barely credibly tales of his life as the only child in blue collar northern Kentucky town. I remember sitting there as a kid, absolutely consumed. He had a history. Which meant I had a history. I heard stories of a hard life with difficulties and challenges I had no understanding of and no context for, and hearing them made me see my dad in a more complete and whole way. His identity was bigger than what I saw before me. He was more than the sum of his parts.

Which means stories may be more than just a way to pass the time and slow us down. It could be that stories have a deeper meaning, and matter more than we realize. In the book “The Secrets to Happy Families,” Bruce Feiler suggests that children who hear, and learn theirfamily’s story and narrative, create not just emotionally healthy children, but stronger and more foundational families as a whole.

More than that, there is a kind of story that matters more than any other. Dr. Marshall Duke calls it the oscillating family narrative, and he describes it as a story told with ups and downs.

There is heartache and there is hope. There is success and there are failures. There are dreams and there are disappointments. But the gift of this kind of story is the sense of familythat comes from experiencing everything on the spectrum. Dr. Duke says it creates a strong “intergenerational self” because “they [kids] know they belong to something bigger than themselves.”

Which brings me back to the wedding video, and how cathartic it is for me, and how consequential it is for my children. I know, it isn’t really about the video. It’s about the remembering. Taking the time to look back for my kids’ sake and my own is a gift. It isn’t just an indulgence on my part. It is history making and history forming on theirs. It gives them a glimpse into who I am—a great reminder for me— and, by association who they can be—a big dream for them. It gives them a perspective, a depth, a richness that would otherwise be lost, or missed, or under valued.

So this week, take some time to remember with your kids. Share stories. Tell them stories of themselves. Of you. Of their grandparents. Invite them into the world that existed long before them so they are more equipped to enrich the world long after them. And then dream with them about the future. Get their minds imagining what could be, after giving them sight into what was.

Bruce Feiler says this may be a secret to a happy family. I say it is a practice and a preserver of a strong family.

by Sarah Anderson

Words that Stick

We lived for a few solid years in our family not having to really watch our words. We could have conversations about dessert, fun places to go, and toys. And our toddlers would be none the wiser. But this past year, we turned a corner. We’ve started spelling. Even then, Asher, my oldest, will pick out letters and ask insistently, “What are you talking about? What does that spell? What are you saying?”

Our years of open conversation and reckless dialogue are done. These days, words are starting to stick. Phrases hang around. Nothing is said “in passing” anymore. Because my four-year old’s mind is like a steel trap. What’s said is almost always remembered.

“I need a few minutes of quiet.”

“What in the world is going on here?”

“This place is a mess.”

It’s kind of entertaining stuff coming from the mouth of four-year-old, unless you’re that four-year-old’s mother. Then it’s just convicting.

But, last weekend, something beautiful happened. Asher told me he wanted to write a letter to his best friend. I was instructed to write down everything he spoke aloud. Thinking this could be interesting, I obliged, sitting down with a pad of paper and pen in hand.

“Dear Levi,” he very confidently began, “God loves us. Be strong and courageous. God, help us learn to have a good attitude. Be strong and courageous. Be brave. Be good and kind. Cook with your dad. Pray as much as you can. Pray and take baths every night. Do not be afraid.”



I couldn’t have done my own talking even if I tried. He had me speechless. As his scribe, memorializing these stream of consciousness phrases, I couldn’t help but think: Just keep your mouth shut. Let him talk. This is gold.

It’s rare for me to not interrupt, interject, or insert my words into almost every conversation making every moment as “teachable” as possible—as soon as possible. But this time, I kept quiet and simply decided to listen. And I’m so glad I did.

Be strong and courageous.

Pray as much as you can.

Take baths.

It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

Sometimes, when you just let your kids talk, and you do the listening, you catch some real gems. Sure,
you find out that your nagging about washing their hands, finishing their vegetables and saying “thank you” are sticking, but you also hear that there are a lot more meaningful truths being catalogued and filed away as well.

After writing the letter, I began to learn that I don’t necessarily have to always ask, interject, dig, or wrestle truths out of my son. Sometimes, I just need to be quiet and hear from his own mouth and in his own words the things he cares about and is internalizing.

If we can manage to be quiet long enough, the very ones we are trying to parent will tell uswhat they need to hear from us most. Maybe not explicitly. But tucked into the nuances of the day. In their body language. In their interactions with others. In their questions. In their stories. In their conversations. Maybe even in their “letters” to friends.

So when it comes to weighing what we say, maybe we choose to say less. And listen more. And then choose the words we do say more wisely.

Because they stick. They are remembered.

And whether we intend for them to or not, they are going to show up again. Let’s make sure what gets remembered is worth repeating and speaks to the needs our kids are so subtly letting us know they have.

And now and then throw in something about taking a bath, so your child will be wise and grounded—but also clean.

THE GIFT OF WORDS - WORDS MATTER

By Kristen Ivy

“Did you know . . ?”

“Has anyone ever told you . . ?”

I don’t know your story, but if I had to guess you can remember a time when someone said something to you that started something like that. The funny thing is that so often these life-changing phrases are followed by something that seems more ordinary than extraordinary—at least to the one who speaks them.

About ten years ago, I started my career as a High School English teacher. And I’ll never forget this one student from my third period class. He was quiet, unsocial, and on a number of medications. He usually wore a volcom sweatshirt, kept his head down and never participated. Then one day, he turned in a story I was sure he had plagiarized. This story was so good, so well-written, I just knew it couldn’t be his work.

After hours of investigating, I discovered that it was his writing. So I did what any teacher would have done: I told him he was a good writer.

A year into college, he wrote me this letter:

Prior to my sophomore year, I really had no idea as to where I would be going in life. My depression among other things was a factor in that, but I really didn’t see what sort of skill I had that would be beneficial to society, I felt as if I had nothing to offer.

Well, I finally discovered that skill (which ultimately lead to others) when you gave me a few words of encouragement after reading that convoluted little story I turned in as a creative writing assignment. Everything and Nothing was its name, and it was the worst thing that I have ever written. But, this terrible little story contained something unseen to myself, but not to you. You said I had “potential”.

He went on to talk about his newfound confidence because when he started writing… he discovered something about his potential.

It changed the way he saw himself.

It moved him in a better direction.

That’s what words do. They move us in a direction.

Most of the time kids don’t just discover they are gifted musicians, talented artists, great writers, smart programmers, skilled athletes, articulate communicators . . .

Someone tells them. Someone comes along and says:

“Hey, did you know . . ?”

“I’ve noticed this about you . . .”

“Has anyone ever told you . . ?”

Every kid needs to discover their unique potential. A generation of twenty-somethings are growing up with a lack of direction because they aren’t sure what they are gifted to do. As parents, our words probably won’t guarantee our children’s admission to an ivy league college or first draft pick in the NBA, BUT we do have an unbelievable opportunity to speak words into our children’s lives that will set them up to win. Our words can help them discover who they were created to be and how they can offer something meaningful to the world. Our words can help them begin to define who they are and discover new things about their gifts and talents.

So – This week – give your kid the gift of WORDS. Tell them something that will move them in a direction.

TIME MATTERS

By Kristen Ivy

I hate the clock.

No. Really. My stepdad collects them. But I ignore them. Ask anyone who knows me at all. When it comes to time management, I’m the worst they’ve ever met. If I tell you, “I’ll be there in five,” it usually means I still need to transfer clothes to the dryer, look for my phone, get the kids dressed for school, brush my teeth, look for my keys, put the kids in the car, go back inside the house to find my phone, and then I will be on my way. It still hasn’t sunk in yet—all of THAT might take longer than five minutes.

In my daily fight against the clock, there’s a couple of things I’ve learned:

Time is moving. I can’t stop it. I can’t trick it. I can’t manipulate, cajole, or woo it to change. Time moves at it’s own pace regardless of my schedule or my priorities.

There may be no better example of how time moves than watching a kid grow up.This past year, my son turned four. That may not sound like a big deal to you. But I promise you, he was born yesterday. It’s like in the “five minutes” it took me to get out of the house for the day, he learned to talk, ride a bike, and tell knock-knock jokes. For some reason, this birthday hit me in a new way.

The day before, I just kept thinking “this is the last day I will ever know Sawyer as a three-year-old. Tomorrow, he will be four.” And I wondered, “Did we do everything we should have done for him in this season of his life?”

Do you have those moments, too? That’s when the panic sets in. Right?

Most of the time, I’m not thinking about how fast he is growing. But then, something happens like a birthday or a first day of school. . . And there’s that moment of panic. What if I missed a step?

That’s why I love Psalm 90:12. “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Actually, I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean: “to number your days.” It sounds a little fatalistic. But I do know that as parents, we have a limited number of days to influence our children before they grow up, move out, and become adults.

But that doesn’t have to make us panic. When we number the days, it can actually help us relax—because we know the number of days. We can pay attention. We don’t have to wait and feel surprised when they turn eight, and twelve, and fifteen and twenty-two. We see it coming and trust that the investments we make today are having a lasting impact.

So this week – relax.

You don’t have to make the most of every minute with your kid. You can’t. It’s just not possible. And if you try, it might drive you and everyone around you crazy.

But you can make the most of each week. By showing up in their world and being present, you are creating history with them. You are making memories that will lay a foundation for their future.

By being present this week, you are reminding them they have value, they are a unique individual, they belong and have purpose.

You are making small investments that will add up over time because TIME has a cumulative effect.

So keep doing what you are doing.

The clock is ticking, but the good news is that TIME may be the best platform you have for investing in the life of your son or daughter. What you do this week matters.

For 3 more practical ideas on how to make your time count visit an older post entitled
3 Practical Habits To Make Time Matter More

Follow the rest of the conversation on Playing For Keeps as Reggie, Kristen, and others talk about the 6 things every kid needs over time. Over the next couple of weeks, we will continue to talk about how kids need Love, Words, Stories, Tribes, and Fun OVER TIME!

Dogs over time = Devotion

Last Friday marked another milestone in our family of adult children. My middle daughter Sarah graduated this weekend from art school with a degree in ‘Image.’ (A focus in photography and videography as you probably guessed). I think her dream job would be to spend the rest of her life taking pictures of people’s pets. I keep trying to explain that animals will probably not pay the bills, but she has an authentic love and appreciation for any breed of canines.

You have to admit, dogs have a unique ability to make you feel like you matter when no one else in the world seems to care. They are confidential, uncritical and constant. I have watched all my kids grow up with dogs as faithful companions. There were times I got the sense that those dogs knew things I would never find out. A good dog over time can show you what devotion looks like. It’s interesting how the right pooch can seem to meet an intrinsic need that people have to feel loved.Maybe that’s because we are all created to need LOVE. That means the kids and teenagers around you were also designed to love and be loved. So, you are in a unique position to demonstrate the incredible thing that LOVE over TIME can really do in the life of a kid.

That’s why LOVE over TIME happens to be the best strategy to help kids know they matter. When you love them consistently. When you show up in their life week after week to demonstrate they are a priority to you. When you love them faithfully in spite of their behavior or their performance.

LOVE over TIME does something amazing. Love over TIME is the best way to give a childWORTH. And here’s something else to consider:

Maybe love matters more in the life of a kid than it does in the life of an adult.

This past year, I had two friends both take their lives. One was 23. One was 48. They both shared a common dilemma. They didn’t know how to love themselves. They were both smart, attractive, determined people who tried really hard at life. But something was broken when they were young that stacked the odds against them. I’m not qualified to explain how or why.

But here’s a point to consider. Kids need to learn to love themselves while they’re kids. Kids desperately need adults who will love them in a way that will convince them that they are worth something when they are young. If kids don’t feel loved when they are young, they may never love themselves in healthy way. And if they never learn to love themselves, they may ultimately self-destruct.

So, the way you love kids while they’re kids can dramatically affect their future.
That’s why we need more adults to step it up and Play for Keeps.

It’s time to get serious about loving the children around you.

Most research seems to suggest the younger the recipient, the more powerful the impact. So prove to them that they are loved while you have the chance.

And also, keep this in the back of your mind: the window of time in their life as kids and teenagers is a critical opportunity for us to give them the sense of worth and value they will need to face life as adults. If you are showing up in the life of kid or teenager each week, then what you are doing is extremely important – just remember how you love them now will affect how they feel loved later.

When it comes to love, if we are playing for keeps, then every time you see a puppy playing with a child remember what love over time can do.
Orangeparents.org

3 Practical Habits To Make Time Matter More

By Kristen Ivy

So time is moving. And it’s moving faster than you think.

What does that mean for you as a parent? How can you make the most of the limited amount of time that you have with your kids? How can you make sure that time isn’t getting away from you?

I certainly don’t know the answer to all those questions. But here are three pretty practical ideas that might be helpful:

COUNT IT DOWN
You don’t have to count down the seconds, or the minutes, or even the days. But maybe there is a value in counting your weeks. Because when you see how much time you have left, you tend to get serious about the time you have now.

So create a visual reminder. Have a countdown clock. In my family, we have two jars of marbles—one for each child. Inside each jar are enough marbles to represent the number of weeks that we will have with them before their high school graduation (we hope – fingers crossed for passing every grade). Every Sunday, I remove a marble from each jar as a reminder that our time is limited. Removing the marble doesn’t do anything special for my kids. But it does something for me mentally. It reminds me that time is moving. And because I know my weeks are numbered, I tend to make what matters matter more.

*A really simple way to keep track of the number of weeks you have left with your son or daughter is to download the FREE Legacy Countdown App!

MARK IT UP
Some parents are naturally wired to schedule things. Some (like me) are not. But regardless of how scheduled or unscheduled you are, you probably have a calendar or a notebook or a napkin somewhere that helps you remember what you need to do.

As a working mom, I am constantly filling my days with meetings, and deadlines, and tasks that feel really urgent. But if I’m not intentional, that’s ALL that will get space on my calendar. So, once every month or so, I look at my calendar and schedule the things that no one is asking me to schedule. I mark up the calendar with things like:
go on a date with Sawyer.
take the kids to the park.
have a movie night.
That may sound silly. But by “marking it up,” it reserves the time. Because I know the weeks are limited. I need a reminder to make the weeks count.

MEASURE IT OUT
Every day isn’t a special day. In fact, most days are pretty typical. But one of the best ways to make the most of every week is to create some habits. There are just some things that are inherently part of the rhythm of our world. And by creating some intentional rhythms, we can make the days and the weeks count a little more.

So if you want to make your time count, don’t undervalue the simple things:

What do you do every morning at breakfast?
What if part of your breakfast routine just became looking for ways to encourage?

When do you eat together?
You don’t have to make a home-cooked meal to have a conversation. What if one meal a day was media-free time when you were intentional about having a conversation with your child?

What’s the last thing you do before they go to bed at night?
Every day ends the same way. We go to bed. So what’s your bedtime routine? How do you make the most of the moments right before your son or daughter drifts off to sleep?

I know there are people reading this blog who are smarter than me and parents who are just better at this TIME thing than I am. So what are your habits? How do you make the most of your TIME? How do you Count it Down, Mark it Up, and Measure it out. I’d love to learn from you!