Don't Do It For Your Kids

We do so much for our kids:

work late to ensure we keep climbing the ladder

enroll our kids in lessons and activities so they have every opportunity

drive them all over town and beyond so they can keep an active social life

buy them things they don’t really need so they can have every ‘advantage’

But did you ever think that what you do with your kids is as important than what you do for your kids? It’s an important distinction. Because often the things we do for our kids takes us away from the time we would could have spent with our kids. While this tension exists in every home, the more affluent you are, the more you will struggle with this.

One of the things I treasured most as a kid was the time I spent with my grandparents. Until I was ten years old, we were neighbors with them, and I saw them almost every day. They were a like a second set of parents to me.

My grandparents were immigrants who worked hard to make it in a new country. Although by the time I came along, they had a house and a car, they didn’t have a lot of money. What they did have was time. We did so many things together. Though we sometimes went on field trips and a few outings, those weren’t necessarily my favorite moments. My favorites were those spent with them in the every day, ordinary course of life. Some of my fondest memories include:

helping my grandfather build things in his garage

eating my grandmother’s cooking, and helping my grandparents clean up the meal

sitting in the backyard in the shade on a hot summer’s day

helping them paint and clean up around the yard

seeing my grandparents read the Bible at meal times

What they did with me was so powerful. I didn’t care that they couldn’t do much for me. They couldn’t get me into the right school, help me with my homework, get me a good job or enroll me in sports. They just hung out. But in doing so, they made a lasting contribution to my life. Ironically, by doing so much with me, they did an immeasurable amount for me.

I know as a parent, I have been tempted to justify my hard work, long hours or constant enrolment of my kids in ‘programs’ as a justification that I’m doing something good for my kids. But in the end, one of the best investments I can make as a parent is what I do with my kids.

What are you doing with your kids these days? And to what extent does what you’re doing for your kids compete with the time you could spend being with your kids?
Orangeparents.org

Famous For a Few

I’ve never “been discovered.” Hollywood hasn’t called. Columbia Records hasn’t requested my lead vocals. I’ve never even created a “viral” YouTube video.

(Don’t feel bad for me. You’re not famous either. And we’re doing pretty well for ourselves you and me.)

But in a world of social media, we have this strange opportunity to be just a little more famous today than we were yesterday. Just a couple more “friends,” “followers,”“likes” or comments and we have somehow moved up in the cosmic social status of the Internet.

I’m not anti-social, or anti-social media.

Seriously.

I’m writing on a blog.
I have a twitter account.
I posted to Instagram this morning.

The unique opportunities we have to communicate today have drastically changed the way we live and work and relate to each other. And it’s made all our lives more fun, entertaining, informed, and connected.

As parents though, social media is the ultimate curve ball. There are moments every day when we have to make a choice our parents never had to make.

We have to decide:

Will I be present for the people who sit on the other side of my smart phone, or will I be present in this moment for the people who sit on the other side of the room?

Online we can be smart, funny, creative, together, and generally likeable. Online, we can develop fans. Online, we can literally watch our ratings go up like a virtual-reality video game that we are all wining. Social Media is like candy crush; you are always leveling up.

But . . .

Off-line is where we are really known. Off-line is where our kids are waiting for us. Waiting and watching. They are watching to see if we see them. They are watching to see if they are as worthy of our attention as whatever sits across the screen on that phone in our hand.

Online we can become more famous to a crowd of onlookers.

Offline we can become more famous in the hearts and memories of those who know us best.

As a member of the first generation to parent with social media literally at our fingertips, I don’t know what any of this means. Some of the best parents I know are very present online. It’s a balancing act, and the only thing I’m certain of is that I get it wrong a lot. Maybe that’s why I wrote this blog. I needed a chance to remind myself of what really matters most.

I’m not a rule follower. So if I made a checklist of social media parameters I would break every rule within the week. But in general, I think there are some guardrails I want to take to heart when it comes to how I spend my time.

Spend more time making memories than developing followers.
Be known more deeply than recognized more widely.
Be more emotionally present than social available.

I will never be really famous.
But tomorrow, I would rather be more famous for a few.

Orangeparents.org

PATIENCE=MONEY IN THE BANK

Some friends of mine recently told me they were at their wit’s end. They had two children who—in their words—were “driving them crazy.” Since they didn’t think that destination would change anytime soon, they asked for some practical ways to improve their patience with their kids. Should they count to ten? Should they walk out of the room? While those might seem like a few good go-to options for most parents, they’re can actually be counterproductive.

My friends were puzzled by my response. I told them that patience is a lot like “capital.” Much like money in the bank, we all have different amounts of Patience Capital or “PC” in our banks. From time to time, our children will make a withdrawal from our banks. When our accounts run dry, we typically say things like “I’m running out of patience” or “I’m trying to be patient with you.” In these moments, we’re actually on overdraft protection mode! The reality is that we all must take some steps to re-build our PC accounts. Here are a few ways to grow your PC accounts so that you won’t bankrupt your patience!

1. Spend consistent quality time with your children. Many times, our children make their greatest withdrawal from our PC accounts when they want our attention. Spending intentional time after work or on the weekends with your children outside of the normal routine will put “PC” back in your account. Remember what Reggie Joiner says: “It’s not quality time or quantity time, but the quantity of quality times.”

2. Build clear expectations by creating a rhythm in your home. Every family has a unique rhythm. Yours might be double-time or adagissimo (very slow). Whatever it is, these rhythms help children have clear expectations for their time. When children know what to expect at certain times during the day, they will develop initiative and drive which helps them develop independence. When children develop independence, they are able to have personal boundaries which helps moms and dads not dip in their PC savings account.

3. Develop clear consequences for poor choices. Specifying clear consequences for our children and following through with them helps our children know where the boundary line is. Too often, parents will move the line with each infraction which encourages our kids to push the line. When our children push the line, we dip into our PC accounts and run the risk of over drafting .

4. Remember that emotions carry a PC withdrawal fee. In those inevitable moments when our children push the line, we run the risk of taking things personally. In these moments, our emotions can accelerate PC spending. When we remember that poor choices are part of the training process for children, we are able to budget our PC appropriately.

Following just a few these suggestions will help you build a PC surplus which will allow you to avoid running out of patience. Spend your PC wisely!
Orangeparents.org

TIME MATTERS

By Kristen Ivy

I hate the clock.

No. Really. My stepdad collects them. But I ignore them. Ask anyone who knows me at all. When it comes to time management, I’m the worst they’ve ever met. If I tell you, “I’ll be there in five,” it usually means I still need to transfer clothes to the dryer, look for my phone, get the kids dressed for school, brush my teeth, look for my keys, put the kids in the car, go back inside the house to find my phone, and then I will be on my way. It still hasn’t sunk in yet—all of THAT might take longer than five minutes.

In my daily fight against the clock, there’s a couple of things I’ve learned:

Time is moving. I can’t stop it. I can’t trick it. I can’t manipulate, cajole, or woo it to change. Time moves at it’s own pace regardless of my schedule or my priorities.

There may be no better example of how time moves than watching a kid grow up.This past year, my son turned four. That may not sound like a big deal to you. But I promise you, he was born yesterday. It’s like in the “five minutes” it took me to get out of the house for the day, he learned to talk, ride a bike, and tell knock-knock jokes. For some reason, this birthday hit me in a new way.

The day before, I just kept thinking “this is the last day I will ever know Sawyer as a three-year-old. Tomorrow, he will be four.” And I wondered, “Did we do everything we should have done for him in this season of his life?”

Do you have those moments, too? That’s when the panic sets in. Right?

Most of the time, I’m not thinking about how fast he is growing. But then, something happens like a birthday or a first day of school. . . And there’s that moment of panic. What if I missed a step?

That’s why I love Psalm 90:12. “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Actually, I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean: “to number your days.” It sounds a little fatalistic. But I do know that as parents, we have a limited number of days to influence our children before they grow up, move out, and become adults.

But that doesn’t have to make us panic. When we number the days, it can actually help us relax—because we know the number of days. We can pay attention. We don’t have to wait and feel surprised when they turn eight, and twelve, and fifteen and twenty-two. We see it coming and trust that the investments we make today are having a lasting impact.

So this week – relax.

You don’t have to make the most of every minute with your kid. You can’t. It’s just not possible. And if you try, it might drive you and everyone around you crazy.

But you can make the most of each week. By showing up in their world and being present, you are creating history with them. You are making memories that will lay a foundation for their future.

By being present this week, you are reminding them they have value, they are a unique individual, they belong and have purpose.

You are making small investments that will add up over time because TIME has a cumulative effect.

So keep doing what you are doing.

The clock is ticking, but the good news is that TIME may be the best platform you have for investing in the life of your son or daughter. What you do this week matters.

For 3 more practical ideas on how to make your time count visit an older post entitled
3 Practical Habits To Make Time Matter More

Follow the rest of the conversation on Playing For Keeps as Reggie, Kristen, and others talk about the 6 things every kid needs over time. Over the next couple of weeks, we will continue to talk about how kids need Love, Words, Stories, Tribes, and Fun OVER TIME!

T I M E

T I M E 

  

Do you consider time to be simply a measurement of how short or long it takes something to happen?
In the New Testament, the two words used for time are chronos and kairos.  The word chronos means measured moments of duration.  Kairos is a little more broad in its definition, which indicates time not only in the sense of duration but also in the sense of periods of time with significant events like an era, or biblically speaking, in "the fullness of time".

The word chronos makes me think of chronological events. The order that things happen. Each one of our lives fulfills an eternal role in bringing God glory.  If we don't look at life this way, are we just going through the motions?  Consider the word TIME as an acronym;

T - Taking

I - Important

M - Moments

for

E - Eternity

If we reflect on the importance of our time here on earth and understand that our time is fleeting, perhaps we would be more intentional about our moments.  This makes me think of Kairos :)
James 4:14 Why, do you not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 
Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

If the Bible were still being written today, would your story make the final edition?

Dogs over time = Devotion

Last Friday marked another milestone in our family of adult children. My middle daughter Sarah graduated this weekend from art school with a degree in ‘Image.’ (A focus in photography and videography as you probably guessed). I think her dream job would be to spend the rest of her life taking pictures of people’s pets. I keep trying to explain that animals will probably not pay the bills, but she has an authentic love and appreciation for any breed of canines.

You have to admit, dogs have a unique ability to make you feel like you matter when no one else in the world seems to care. They are confidential, uncritical and constant. I have watched all my kids grow up with dogs as faithful companions. There were times I got the sense that those dogs knew things I would never find out. A good dog over time can show you what devotion looks like. It’s interesting how the right pooch can seem to meet an intrinsic need that people have to feel loved.Maybe that’s because we are all created to need LOVE. That means the kids and teenagers around you were also designed to love and be loved. So, you are in a unique position to demonstrate the incredible thing that LOVE over TIME can really do in the life of a kid.

That’s why LOVE over TIME happens to be the best strategy to help kids know they matter. When you love them consistently. When you show up in their life week after week to demonstrate they are a priority to you. When you love them faithfully in spite of their behavior or their performance.

LOVE over TIME does something amazing. Love over TIME is the best way to give a childWORTH. And here’s something else to consider:

Maybe love matters more in the life of a kid than it does in the life of an adult.

This past year, I had two friends both take their lives. One was 23. One was 48. They both shared a common dilemma. They didn’t know how to love themselves. They were both smart, attractive, determined people who tried really hard at life. But something was broken when they were young that stacked the odds against them. I’m not qualified to explain how or why.

But here’s a point to consider. Kids need to learn to love themselves while they’re kids. Kids desperately need adults who will love them in a way that will convince them that they are worth something when they are young. If kids don’t feel loved when they are young, they may never love themselves in healthy way. And if they never learn to love themselves, they may ultimately self-destruct.

So, the way you love kids while they’re kids can dramatically affect their future.
That’s why we need more adults to step it up and Play for Keeps.

It’s time to get serious about loving the children around you.

Most research seems to suggest the younger the recipient, the more powerful the impact. So prove to them that they are loved while you have the chance.

And also, keep this in the back of your mind: the window of time in their life as kids and teenagers is a critical opportunity for us to give them the sense of worth and value they will need to face life as adults. If you are showing up in the life of kid or teenager each week, then what you are doing is extremely important – just remember how you love them now will affect how they feel loved later.

When it comes to love, if we are playing for keeps, then every time you see a puppy playing with a child remember what love over time can do.
Orangeparents.org

3 Practical Habits To Make Time Matter More

By Kristen Ivy

So time is moving. And it’s moving faster than you think.

What does that mean for you as a parent? How can you make the most of the limited amount of time that you have with your kids? How can you make sure that time isn’t getting away from you?

I certainly don’t know the answer to all those questions. But here are three pretty practical ideas that might be helpful:

COUNT IT DOWN
You don’t have to count down the seconds, or the minutes, or even the days. But maybe there is a value in counting your weeks. Because when you see how much time you have left, you tend to get serious about the time you have now.

So create a visual reminder. Have a countdown clock. In my family, we have two jars of marbles—one for each child. Inside each jar are enough marbles to represent the number of weeks that we will have with them before their high school graduation (we hope – fingers crossed for passing every grade). Every Sunday, I remove a marble from each jar as a reminder that our time is limited. Removing the marble doesn’t do anything special for my kids. But it does something for me mentally. It reminds me that time is moving. And because I know my weeks are numbered, I tend to make what matters matter more.

*A really simple way to keep track of the number of weeks you have left with your son or daughter is to download the FREE Legacy Countdown App!

MARK IT UP
Some parents are naturally wired to schedule things. Some (like me) are not. But regardless of how scheduled or unscheduled you are, you probably have a calendar or a notebook or a napkin somewhere that helps you remember what you need to do.

As a working mom, I am constantly filling my days with meetings, and deadlines, and tasks that feel really urgent. But if I’m not intentional, that’s ALL that will get space on my calendar. So, once every month or so, I look at my calendar and schedule the things that no one is asking me to schedule. I mark up the calendar with things like:
go on a date with Sawyer.
take the kids to the park.
have a movie night.
That may sound silly. But by “marking it up,” it reserves the time. Because I know the weeks are limited. I need a reminder to make the weeks count.

MEASURE IT OUT
Every day isn’t a special day. In fact, most days are pretty typical. But one of the best ways to make the most of every week is to create some habits. There are just some things that are inherently part of the rhythm of our world. And by creating some intentional rhythms, we can make the days and the weeks count a little more.

So if you want to make your time count, don’t undervalue the simple things:

What do you do every morning at breakfast?
What if part of your breakfast routine just became looking for ways to encourage?

When do you eat together?
You don’t have to make a home-cooked meal to have a conversation. What if one meal a day was media-free time when you were intentional about having a conversation with your child?

What’s the last thing you do before they go to bed at night?
Every day ends the same way. We go to bed. So what’s your bedtime routine? How do you make the most of the moments right before your son or daughter drifts off to sleep?

I know there are people reading this blog who are smarter than me and parents who are just better at this TIME thing than I am. So what are your habits? How do you make the most of your TIME? How do you Count it Down, Mark it Up, and Measure it out. I’d love to learn from you!